more from the sunshine state

Strange and disturbing goings on in Florida.

zombie compost

Inevitably, the question of decomposition arises. The body is a vast storehouse of useful nutrients – everything you have eaten, processed, distilled and locked away – and proper use of this resource can make the critical difference when growing your own crops to start the process over again. But there are various practical considerations with which you need to become familiar if you are to thrive in the coming months and, we hope, years.

Feelin' Hot Hot Hot...

The greatest consideration is temperature. The past few days of hot weather will have got the body in our veg plot off to a flying start, but the current cold turn will slow the process right down again. Lower the temperature enough – as low as a morgue refrigeration unit, for example – and decomposition grinds to a complete halt. (This means you're going to have to apply serious thought to the issue of disposal during winter months, when soil may be to too hard to dig anyway.)

Think Shallow

You can't do much about the weather – but there are other things you can control. The natural inclination may be to bury the body deep, where it won't stink the place out or be got at by scavengers. But a body buried at 6 foot depth in temperate conditions, although out of sight and mind, can take ten years or more to fully decompose, and also puts the nutrients beyond the reach of the shallow roots of your crops. There's far more microbial action in the top layers of the soil, and there are other steps you can take to improve conditions – and raise the temperature.

Ashes to Ashes, Compost to Compost

Burial in an active compost heap, for example, will really speed things along, providing a highly active microbial environment that also generates its own heat to speed up decomposition still further. In such conditions, even a large body can be well decomposed in as little as two weeks. A zombie body, of course, is already partly decomposed, so should break down even faster. Remember, though, that the bones will not just disappear. As you dig over the heap, remove any dry, denuded bone. This, too, is a valuable resource – the strongest, most durable material that nature can provide, with a wealth of applications.

A Whiff of History

One thing to bear in mind is that shallow or heap burial leaves the body accessible to scavengers, and you may wish to enclose it in some way to deter them – either using wire, or a properly ventilated wooden box. It will also stink to high heaven – a reek that you will not want to go near and which will stick in your mind and your nostrils forever. This is the stench of centuries past, which modern living has all but banished. But get used to it. Apart from anything else, it is all part of the natural process, and a a good indicator of how things are proceeding.

The Quick and the Dead

Various other things can speed this phase. You can chop up the body, of course – the smaller, the better – but a prime consideration here is your health. If it's a zombie body, you want to minimise contact, especially when combined with sharp objects. The risk of infection is something about which to remain constantly vigilant, and not only the zombie virus. When there are no doctors or hospitals, and no more antibiotics, even the most basic infection should be avoided. All indications are that a infections already in the body should be rendered inactive by the decomposition process, certainly posing no threat to your crops or your ability to eat them. Be careful when handling the soil, however (you should be wary anyway – tetanus is a far more likely killer).

Acid Trip

Quicklime – an ancient solution much used in plague pits – can also greatly speed up the breakdown of the body, but will have a significant effect on the soil's acidity, which could prove a critical factor in the success or failure of your crop. Most veg prefer a slightly acid soil (although brassicas prefer it slightly the other way). Rotting organic matter generally lowers the soil's pH (and raises the acidity), but quicklime, an extremely powerful alkaline, can push it so far the other way that it'll knock the pH seriously out of whack. Use with caution – and keep in mind that your primary aim is to get this soil productive.

Win Win

While all this may sound grim, you need to be practical and face the realities. That's what Zombie Cottage is all about. Life has thrown two major problems at you: 1. You have a lot of dead bodies which, once you've put a stop to their restless perambulations, need to be disposed of; 2. You need to grow food to survive. Put these two problems together, and, like acid and alkali, they can be made to cancel each other out, and improve your lot into the bargain. Win win. As Dr Ian Malcolm says: 'Trust in nature, and life will find a way'.

in the news

Man shot in Miami whilst eating another man's face.

warning shot

Commotion in the back garden last night. Someone had got in - must have left the back gate unlatched again. I wasn't in a mood to debate, but this time the signs were clear to see. I sliced his head open with a spade and buried him in the bare patch where we grew the vegetables last year. I guess it's begun.